Yeah, if you’ve waited this long you are in serious trouble.
The post office will laugh, the folks at UPS
will snigger and the chances of you getting anything in rich uncle Philbert’s
will have gone to hell.
Can you manage to snatch victory out of the jaws of defeat?
Yes, but you are going to have to actually think.
Now making any of this have an art connection will take even
more thinking so if you just want to curl up in a ball and pull the covers over
your head, go ahead. No one will think less of you.
You will, but that’s a problem for lengthy sessions with the
Shrink and you know how costly those can be so rather than give all of your
money to the guy who will just waste it on another Mercedes or bail out his
worthless kid who got drunk at the Holiday Frat party and jumped nekkid into
the fountain at Sizzler. Yes, the chocolate fountain, now you get the picture.
Instead, throw off the blankets and get moving, there’s
still a chance to avoid spending quality time with Marley.
If you are local, Bay area, then run out to Charleston
where you will find two life savers, The Wild Women of Charleston Gift Shop and
Crabby Cakes Bakery.
The Wild Women stock all sorts of things which might just
save your bacon including a brilliant photo calendar by the Ole Trawler
himself. They also have local wines, cards, trinkets, T-shirts and many other
wonders. And if it is all too much for you you can stop next door at Cakes By
Jazz and buy something to send or give or just woof down. There is nothing like
an emergency cupcake when the going gets rough.
And while we are talking about woofing, Crabby Cakes Bakery
has dynamite, huge and good cookie platters. Now these are not the dried out,
stale, crumbly platters lurking at your local super market, but no, they are
delicious, moist and juicy…maybe you’d better just check it out for yourself
before my adjectives turn this from a seasonal PG-13 post to Triple-X. (I’d buy
the platter for the holiday party next week and then hit the ala carte items
for keeping your strength up. Last minute panic buying can be so taxing.)
Now for those not left in an exhausted heap, Fraizer’s
Bakery in Coquille still has some fruitcakes. Yes, I do know about the fruit
cake which has been passed around for “‘lo these seven long Christmases ago” but
it wasn’t from Frazier’s. They make a cake so good and so wonderful that your
fruit cake loving friends and relatives will write you into their wills. There
are too people who LIKE fruitcake, they just don’t like the fruitcake that
Freddy’s brings out once a year and then sends back into storage to be brought
out again next year. I threw myself upon my sword and taste tested one from Frazier's and I
can promise that if you get one of the few remaining ones, it will not come
back. Move fast, when I was there they had a few but not if you linger. (I’m
thinking I’ll try to bribe a pal to pick another one before they run out
completely.)
And you can send this to your pals outside of the area cause
it is wonderful and the nice folks in Corsicana, Texas have made a killing
exporting the Collins Street Bakery fruitcakes cause there is nothing else
about Corsicana that would make anyone want to notice Corsicana and the folks
there desperately want to be noticed but living in the middle of Texas where
there is nothing for miles and miles but the Exxon station owned by a gopher
and if it ever shuts down Corsicana will have to fall off the face of the earth
so you can see why they are so happy to have the Collins Street Baker there and
if they can sell fruitcakes all over the world then the really good fruitcakes
at Frazier’s in Coquille will be a huge hit and next year you will have to
start taking orders around Father’s Day and that will bring much needed revenue
into the area so it is vital that you go and buy a fruitcake at Frazier’s.
And if you are still stuck you can check out Art Connection
for the paper that I told you to go and get last week, but just because you
blew me off and said that buying pals a gift of art paper was a stupid idea and
that you could do much better but you didn’t and now you are thinking it is
gift cards for every one and you know that is a bad idea cause they lose them
or forget about them and the stores go bankrupt and then the card is worthless
so go and pick up that paper so that you won’t have to buy a fruitcakes at
Freddy’s and be the laughing stock at the family party where the person you
give it to will be making plans to re-gift it right back atchya next year.
And so you don’t wind up looking like a complete stiff when
the family gathers around the tree and starts opening presents and you know
that those uppity Portland guys will be loaded with the stuff from The Sharper
Image and the big can of popcorn that you picked up at Wally World on the way
there Christmas Day will look like you never even thought about it until the
very, past last moment…
Stop in at Easy Lane Frames where the art is on sale for 15%
off on selected items which Jane and Ken will welcome you and guide your choice
so that you turn out looking like a brilliant planner with deep understanding of
human nature and a burning desire to find just the perfect gift and you will
complete bury The Sharper Image clan and then you will be the one who gets the
mention in old Philbert’s will and things really will be happier in the New
Year and even though Philbert is nowhere near as loaded as the Mega Millions
jackpot you want a cut anyway for spending all of those holidays listening to
his stories about how it was in the trenches on Iwo Jima when you know darned
well there were no trenches on Iwo Jima but you listened anyway and now Karma
will pay you back for being such a good relative and the holidays will in deed
be happy and bright.
And besides you don’t want to listen to a whole year of Scrooge
jokes…
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