Friday, August 13, 2021

No More Drawers

Just my luck, today is National Paperback Day and my new book is still in the printing process. It is available on Amazon for just a smidgen of its real value, but of course you’d rather have something you can hold in your hot, sweaty, little hand so looks like I’ve managed to miss another milestone!

This seems to be the one thing I am really very good at.

Since I made the decision, (I didn’t actually, the Long-Sufferin made it and lit a fire under my saggy ass), to publish it has been one mistake after another.

You see I was really very happy to do what I usually do when I finish a book. I toss it in a drawer (Computerly speaking) and forget about it. And while this system has worked well for me in the past, the Long-Sufferin felt more action was needed.

Now first I have to admit I come from a time when self-publishing was strictly a vanity affair. Someone writes a family history and wants a dozen copies for the kin folks, a poet specializing in bad poetry runs off half a hundred copies of poems for the seriously depressed, or a mad zealot insists his manifesto must be shared with the ill-informed public. The writer with delusions of grandeur contracted with a scruple-less press and sunk thousands of dollars into satisfying their ego.

But things have changed and not the least because of the eight hundred pound gorilla in the room, I mean of course Amazon.

Now I am like most folks and not in any hurry to help Jeff Bezos in his quest for total world domination, but--

I did my due diligence. I carefully surveyed all of the publishing options from the loftiest of traditional publishers to the flimsiest of Imprints and after all of that mind-numbing research, I came to two conclusions.

Unless you have written something targeted to a market which will produce ten millions in sales the possibility of attracting a traditional publishing house is virtually nil. And to make matters worse you have to have an agent, also interested in a ten million seller, who will for the honor of flogging your book take at least ten percent of any sales. That’s right, not actual profits but sales. But no publishing house will bother with unsolicited submissions unless you do have agent.

Looking deeper I discovered a whole new world of Indie publishing. Not the old tired vanity press, but actual publishing where new and untested writers can get their work before the public. This was an eye-opener.

I investigated many and kept coming back to the obvious, Amazon’

So if the universe keeps telling you something you’d better listen.

Signing up with KDP publishing is a breeze. If you have an existing Amazon account you are ready in a flash and if not why not are you some kind of hermit or anti-social and refuse to come into the twenty-first century and I’ll be you don’t have cable or watch Netflix or even an electric toothbrush.

After signing up you do have to disclose some personal information, social security number, a bank account all the things that the IRS will need when you start getting those enormous royalties. After a few minutes hesitation I came to the realization that Amazon has so many paws in so many places they probably have access to all that stuff anyway.

Now you can actually begin to set up your books. But first a word of advise.

Download Kindle Create. Yes, you can use other methods to format your book and create a clever cover, but not all in one place. If you are sure you want to multi-market your book then probably this isn’t right for you cause it only works for Amazon.

But if you plan on focusing on Amazon this is the ticket.

There are a few quirks.

Kindle Create works best with Word .docx. Sure it says it will work with .pdfs and for some books this might be a good idea but hidden in some of the extensive text Amazon says for text heavy documents avoid .pdfs. I found this out after formatting my novel as a .pdf, several times.

And for those of you struggling to make ends meet like any good writer, you don’t have to sell your youngest daughter to the white slavers to but Word 25000 or whatever the current version is. No just download Libre Office, which is free and has the ability to save as a .docx.

Now here’s where it gets really interesting. KDP goes into a lot of explanation about what you need in the manuscript and how it should be formatted. And if you do it that way the Xanax will help some and those nice men in the white coats will give you a soothing injection of Thorazine and all will be well.

Don’t do it! Make a clean copy of the body only of your manuscript and load it into Kindle Create. Make sure you have edited it with a gimlet eye and a fine tooth comb cause this is going to be the guts of your book.

Once loaded follow the Kindle prompts to get all of the finishing touches done right. Then go over the copy with a microscope, Kindle Create does some interesting things with formats. If the copy is clean and you are sure it is SAVE and then click on the generate button. Now you have a publishable text for Kindle. Wasn’t that easy?

No but then you can’t expect doing something on your own to be as smooth as when you have a whole team to aid you. Just remember you are doing this because you didn’t want to see all of your sales go to somebody else, you wanted your story told the way you told it, you weren’t solely focus on sales.

Then good pour a drink, turn off the computer and forget it for today. There will be fresh hell tomorrow.



Little Cat Paws

So I was saying, the cat.

Now what in the hell is he going on about now? I heard you say.

I talking about the audio book I am supposed to be doing as a tie-in with my ebook and paperback.

Now the good news in all of this is with fifteen years running a murder mystery repertory company. I do have experience, which means I am not looking for a narrator other than me. Saves a ton of money, (I work cheap, have a lot of time, and the equipment to do the job.)

Plug: I got a Jim-Dandy Elegiant condenser mic for the cost of four lattes and it works like a charm.

So I have all the equipment, the time, the ability, there’s only one thing missing, quiet.

Yes, I never noticed before but the average house is a thunderous place. The dishwasher, (Even though the Long-Sufferin bought a super quiet Bosch), the clothes washer, the dryer, the television, the radio and the cat.

Of all of these, the cat is the Spawn of Satan.

I was recording the other day, had a great run going, was on the last page of four difficult pages and yes, the cat started yowling.

I could have done murder.

He didn’t know and was just voicing an opinion of the lack of entertaining things for a cat to get into, so you can hardly blame him. But at that point I did.

Now I happen to have a nuisance of cats. For those unfamiliar with the term, that’s more than one and less than enough to qualify as a crazy cat-lady, cat-person. And most of the time I love the little fur-balls.

People without animals just don’t get it. You can spend hours watching them play and chase and scramble and fight and be endlessly entertained. You can pet them until they rumble and your blood pressure is down to zero. You can snuggle on a cold night/day/anytime and they will put up with you even when the Long Sufferin won’t.

They are the perfect antidote to Covid claustrophobia, they will love you when all else is terrified to get within a hundred yards of your rotting, diseased carcass.

But contrary to the mad poet who claimed “Dawn crept in on little cat paws” they are louder than a house Moose. In fact I’m pretty sure a Moose would be less trouble. Okay you got me there, there is no such thing as a moose box. But aside form hygienic considerations, cats are louder that the 1812 Overture.

And when you are trying to get a clean audio clip, noise is the enemy.

Oh, did I mention that it really should be a video clip? Yes, all this recording without the video is pretty much useless, cause the Kids have to have video to keep their attention. And even if I get the cooperation of the cats, my idea of a video is never going to make a sensation on YouTube.

I mean, just think, I’m flogging a book. There are no wailing guitars, semi-naked girls gyrating, long-haired boys in pants tight enough to cause gangrene to the reproductive system. Flashing strobes or a soundtrack loud enough to be heard in the Afterlife. Just a bewildered writer reading from his novel, hoping to catch some traffic when the battery on their Ipad/Iphone/Igaming console runs down.

That’s a big ask and a forlorn hope, but it has to be done cause as a first-time novelist, I have no fan base.

So I am back at it waiting this time on my prop to arrive in the mail from the wonderful Aladdin's cave Amazon. Okay so I know there are those who do not like Amazon and its founder Jeff Bezos, billionaire, space cadet, world domination seeker and entrepreneur. But I am not on that team.

Here at the edge of the world I would be left to discovering fire all over again if not for Amazon and its answer to just about everything.

But that is a take for another campfire. So it is back to the recording studio trying to get an even cleaner copy while waiting on my mystery prop. And dodging the cat.

Sunday, August 8, 2021

Opening month review

Well it has finally happened, the reviews are in, one review actually and it is positive. hat menas right at this moment I have 100% positive reviews! Great start nw I just have to wait on the next tenthousand.

 


 

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/58696326-jamoulks 

Thursday, August 5, 2021

So Also Shall you Recieve




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    Art by the Sea Gallery and Studio invites you to attend our Reception on Saturday, August 7th from 2-4pm to view the woodwork of Featured Artist, Stephen Yates, and the new members’ show, “Textures.”

    Stephen has been a gallery member for a number of years and produces stunning one of a kind tables, cheese boards, and bowls as well and paintings in resin.

    Members will be showing works that feature a variety of interpretations of ‘textures’ in various mediums.

    Featured artist, Stephen, will be available to discuss his beautiful woodwork, processes, and inspirations. Come enjoy the art as well as the company of the gallery’s various member artists throughout the day. Guests may also partake of our ‘grab & go’ snacks.

    Gallery happenings can always be found on our website, especially new “Call to Artists” announcements and entry forms at artbytheseagallery.com or Facebook for the latest art news. And watch for our videos of gallery works on Instagram and our website. Gallery hours are 10am-5pm daily.

    Art by the Sea Gallery and Studio is located at 145 Fillmore Ave., S.E., Old Town Bandon

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Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Things I Lack

So in order to attract buyers to my book I have to do a bunch of things, none of which I am very good at. I mentioned keywords yesterday, the ones you have to have, which I still haven’t found and seem unlikely to?

In addition to that, you are told to search out books similar to your own so that you can go to school on the keywords which work for them. Which would be a wonderful idea if there were any other books similar to mine.

How ‘bout finding a mentor? Sure, just one little thing, the only guy who has an experience similar to mine is a die-hard gunny, with seriously deep-state leanings and a large following of guy with rebel flags and QAnon ideas, not exactly my target audience, if I had a target audience. Oh yeah that’s another thing I haven’t got, a target audience.

Ya see, I wrote the thing following Lawrence Block's sage advice, write what you like cause the chance of ever getting published is so remote you might as well write what you like. So I did, but now it seems you have to write to niche. It’s so confusing.

But back to not having things, so no keywords, no mentor, no similar books. No target audience, and that's just what I have discovered so far. Whew. It’s a puzzlement.

But the thing I do have is faith in my characters. I originally created many of them for a murder mystery play I wrote, which turned out very well thank you, playing to over twenty-five hundred paid admissions. The thing was, I discovered, just by accident, I wasn’t through talking about them.

One of the writer’s principals I do believe in is the statement, You own your characters until the minute you write them down and then they have a life of their own. Boy, did they ever. They started out slow, just a little Christmas story and then a story about King getting in deep trouble with the mob, (See the excerpt from yesterday’s blog) then a big story about Harry winning a horse for Dakota and then there were the Brownshirts. And that was just the first book. In the second book of the Gonifs series, The Wrong Broad, but you should read Jamoulks first. There’s a third book in the Gonifs series, Mishcaphah, all about what happens when Harry, Dakota, Dore Moll, Moose, and Maize end up in Hawaii-- but we’re getting ahead of the story.

The whole point is I had a lot more to say about these guys and they wouldn’t shut up until I told it.

That’s why I have a book or three about people I really like which doesn’t fit in any neat little

cubbyhole and makes finding the right way to promote it extremely challenging.

So what else, oh yeah, the whole audio book saga.

It seems in addition to the Kindle edition and the paperback, I should do an audio book.

That would be a big problem, except I spent fifteen years running a murder mystery company, playing a new part at least every six weeks sometimes two or more at the same time and going on auditions for TV, film and voice-over work. I wasn’t half bad and so reading an audio book doesn't pose the same problems for me that it would for someone who has never tried to present a character.

Except for the part where it has to be recorded. Ever tried to find a totally quiet place in a house where people actually live? Oh and then there’s the cat...

Monday, August 2, 2021

Choices

Why would anyone chose to take on all of the necessary functions of a publishing house when they really didn’t have to?

For starters, publishers want a book which will sell twenty million copies. Now you may very well have written a book that will sell thirty million copies and if so then traditional publishers will cheer and start fighting over you. That’s what advance auctions are all about.

But if you are a first time novelist like moi, then the likelihood is you will sell maybe a hundred copies. Harsh but oh so true. The public just doesn't know about you and they don’t trust you and they don’t love you so they’ll head right to the latest James Patterson novel and so would you.

Oh come on, when you are looking through the new releases at Amazon, you start by picking out a writer you know. After all if you know them and you liked their last book odds are you will like their new book.

Then you look at the cover.

Yes, it is just like the flashing lights on a slot machine, dazzling and wild and so fascinating and you just love to watch. And if you think for one moment this isn’t true, just look at all those Robert McGinnis Carter Brown books. Sure when you were fourteen you were totally devoted to quality literature and never allowed yourself to be hijacked by a sexy cover. Yeah, that’s why every actress under eighty posts a new bikini selfie every other day.

Now I don’t mind, either Robert McGinnis covers or new bikini selfies, Heidi Klume could post more, but that doesn't do much to attract sales for your book, unless you happen to have a Robert McGinnis cover.

So you really do have to devote some thought to what you are going to use and how polished you can make it cause it is the biggest calling card you’ve got.

Then there’s key words. No I had no idea what they were either. Turns out you have to select five key words to direct folks to your story and if you don’t choose wisely you will drink from the wrong challis and turn to dust like the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

But then you have to guess what the best five words might be. Yodel is a good word, but it won’t attract much attention. And much as it pains me to say so dirty, filthy sex is great but might attract the wrong sort of attention.

Key words—I’ve fought with it and fought with it and so far the best one for my book is Runyonesque.

And what precisely is Runyonesque? It means pertaining to Damon Runyon and his New York stories specifically the touts, gamblers, grifters and the like well, you know Guys and Dolls.

Fine, but and I know this will come as a surprise, not a whole lot of people know what Runyonesque is.

I did find the tern picaresque, another good term, the story of a rogue, usually of low or common birth. Coupla heavy hitters in this category, Tom Jones, Moll Flanders. Huckleberry Flynn, but they are literary and my book is I am proud to say, pulp.

No not self-denigration at all, I am a happy pulper, along with Erle Stanley Gardner, Edgar Rice Burroughs, Earl Derr Biggers, Sax Rhomer, a fellow named Hammett and my all-time idol, Maxwell Grant, (Walter B. Gibson) These guys wrote for a penny a word and turned out some of the most wonderful stories ever written. And their characters, Charlie Chan, Tarzan, Perry Mason, Dr. Fu Manchu, Sam Spade and the Shadow, who wouldn’t want to follow in their footsteps?

But publishers today see them as dated stories and not the sort of thing million sellers come from, so my throw-back story, full of dem guys and broads and gats just looks like poison to major publishing houses.

But if they looked a little closer they’d see that the story is about people and their relationships, how even the most desperate and downtrodden can make friends, contribute and become more than they seem.

So circling back to the first question, why would someone take on all of the chores of publishing, promoting, believing in a book that clearly no one wants? Because I do. And I believe that if people meet King and his boys, Harry, Dakota, Moose, Moll the Doll, and Big Dore they’ll have one helluva time and want to spend a few hours in the dark and dirty streets.


King picked up the sack that held the can. “I guess these are yours. I’m glad to be rid of them. I don’t like so much excitement.” He handed the sack to Dore.

Moll swatted the big man on the back of his head.

“Julian?”

“Yeah, right Moll, I know what to do.” He gave Moose the sack. “Look, Mr. King, Moll and me we’ve been talking. She, I think you cleared up a big mess that could have gotten way out of hand so I think I owes you for what you done. Now being as how you is an independent sort of man, I won’t give you no job or nothing like that. You need your free time. But I do have something I think will come in handy.”

Moose fished in his pocket and handed Dore a key.

“Me and Moose had us a talk with the boys at the Steak Out. They think that they ain’t done right by youse. So from now on, you want to eat with the swells, you got a table. You want a private party? You go to the front door, the back door, whatever and you tell’em and they’ll bring it anywhere you want it. You want a picnic? They’ll drive you there, they’ll spread the blanket and they’ll sing sweet songs for your dining pleasure. And because I know you lost your home helping me out, I think youse should get a new one from Snorky. So, here are the keys to his Cadillac. I’m having the boys park it in the alley behind the Steak Out.”

King looked up. “Look Dore, this is real nice, but I don’t need a car.”

“Think of it as a new house. It has more room than a...?”

“Crate,” Moll nodded.

“Yeah, right, a crate. The boys are gonna come down once a week to wash and wax it for you. They are gonna check the battery and the oil and start it for you on Saturdays. And if they miss one meal or don’t show up to wash your house, me and Moose is coming back and there will be a change of management at the Steak Out, see?”

But King was already thinking about his new house. Windows and leather seats and he could store his treasures in the boot, but his face clouded, “What happens if Snorky comes back?”

“He ain’t coming back.”

“How do you know?”

“Julian, ixnay opcay niay hetay extnay oomray.”

Dore looked at Moll with a blank expression and she kicked him in the shin, very hard.

“Oh, right Moll. Moose had a talk with him, right Moose?”

“Right, Boss. He said he’d like to put down roots and maybe get a little plot of land and he don’t need the car no more,” Moose folded his arms across his chest.


Of course to find out what King did to get the twelve cylinder Cadillac you’ll have to pick up a copy of Jamoulks.

 

Sunday, August 1, 2021

The Zombie Apocalypse is Coming


"They were five total strangers, with nothing in common, meeting for the first time. A beauty, a jock, a brain, a... braiiiins...Braaiiiins! BRAIIINS!"

  • So It Goes Coffeehouse announces open auditions for THE BREAKFAST CLUB OF THE LIVING DEAD, an original satire written by John Beane, author of PULP SHAKESPEARE and LEBOWSKI: PRINCE OF NINEPINS. 
    Auditions will take place Monday August 23rd and Tuesday August 24th at 6:30pm at So It Goes Coffeehouse, 190 Central, Coos Bay 97420
    Looking for:
    Clare Standoffish the princess
    Blender the criminal
    Andrew the jock
    Brian the brain
    Sheedy the basket case
    Vernon the vice principal
    The Janitor
    Lloyd Dobbler in the wrong movie
    Zombies
    All roles are open, we're looking for comic ability and will consider any gender/age/ethnicity for any role. All actors are paid. The production is directed by John Beane and Daneal Doerr and will perform at So It Goes Coffeehouse the last couple weeks in October. Costumes by Penny Peters. Art by Billy Tackett (billytackett.com)
    Feel free to message us with questions at soitgoescoffee@gmail.com

    --
    John Beane
    So It Goes Coffeehouse  
    541.808.9333 www.soitgoescoffee.com