Monday, July 20, 2009

Hollyweird: The Land Of Boobs

Why is it, in Hollywood where everything depends on youth and appearance, the directors, writers and casting director can’t understand when you put words in someone’s mouth they should have some connection to reality.
Oh sure, the dream factory depends on the willing suspension of disbelief, but must that disbelief be the crucial factor in following the story.
True writing is the least essential element in making any picture or television show, but even if you believe that shouldn’t the words have some meaning?
Why then do producers, directors, writers and casting directors insist on casting actors with no noticeable boobs in parts which according to the script would seem to require the presence of boobs? Case in point a recent HawthoRNe, Jada Pinkett Smith and Suleka Mathew are fine performers, but when it comes to boobs, not so much as a goose bump shows its head. So why then does the script have them say, (Hawthorne to Bobby) “Wear the blue dress, it makes your boobs look big.” (Bobby replies), “My boobs are big.”
If that line is an essential element of the script why not cast an actress who actually has boobs? Oh sure, in the Golden days of the studio system Spencer Tracy could act unshaven, but not taller. How then can the writer live with that line? And this isn’t the only case. No, some of the biggest stars, but tiniest bosoms in Hollywood have uttered similar lines. There’s Julia Roberts in Erin Brockovich, “They’re called boobs, Ed.” Yeah, where? I guess if you haven’t seen the real Erin Brockovich this might work, but if a six foot tall, blonde with a full D-cup leans over the counter and lets you see all the way through to the looking glass you’re gonna be pretty sure it isn’t Julia Roberts. And of course there’s Reese Witherspoon, tiresome at best, in Legally Blonde she says, “Is it because I’m blonde and have big boobs?” Only in a script could Reese make such a claim. Any other venue would see her arrested for false advertising or making inflated claims.
And just for the truly and deeply offended, I am not suggesting that boobs or cleavage are an essential part of any actor’s equipment. Talent and a burning desire to act are the two most necessary ingredients, if an actress, and yes to all of the Grammarians, I am aware that the trend is to use actors for both sexes, but actors do not have boobs, happens to be well endowed and can act, so much the better. No one today does elegant, sly, sensuality better than Catherine Bell. She does have exceptional blessings, but somehow that never impacts her roles. As Cassie, the good witch, her twinkling eyes and subtle smile do more to make magic than watching her breathe.
In fact if I were to name an endowment which makes an actor more appealing, I’d choose…an overbite. I guess I was influenced by Abby Dalton at a tender age and have never fully recovered. Valerie Cruz, the delicious Sonya Walger and the versatile Joanne Kelly, really she played the vampire Bianca in The Dresden Files as a forty year old and now she’s a twenty something agent in Warehouse 13, that’s quite a range for someone who happens to be twenty-something, these actors all have a serious overbite and manage to look, probably best I don’t say, there might be children listening.
Maybe, I’ll keep my opinions to myself and hope that Hollyweird does the same.