Thursday, December 5, 2013

Professional Services

You have a cold.

You’ve had it since Black Friday but you couldn’t slow down to do anything about it and now it is a beast which won’t let you breathe or sleep or move too far away from the box of tissues and you made the decision no matter how much you hate it that you’ll have to go and see the doctor cause there is no way you can afford to be out of action this month with all there is to do and time slipping away and so you gave up your bunny slippers and actually put on something beside sweats and went out into the cold to go to the doctor and now you are sitting in the waiting room staring at a framed poster of butterflies and it penetrates your muggy brain that doctors offices always have THE WORST art and why is it that they always pick something which no one in their right mind would even hang in the guest bathroom where no one ever goes except when the kids come for a visit like that is every going to happen and they wouldn’t look up even if they did so it is safe to hang the stuff you got as a present right out of collage but haven’t even had then courage to get rid of just because there is a chance that Great Aunt Mahildahide will come just before she dies and you can’t risk being cut out of her will after all of these years of sucking up.

Now don’t do it right now cause you are fighting to survive but when the Gods of head colds finally decide to let you live remember this one thing, professional’s offices have the worst art ever and since you are an artist maybe you can do something about it.

It’s the holiday season and don’t you owe Doctor Jack something so that he will actually work at keeping you alive and not part of his other project and that would be a very good thing cause there is just no coming back from the other plans he might have and if you butter him up with a gift of art maybe you’ll get to see what lies in store in 2014?

You can’t do any worse than what is hanging there now and since it is a holiday present if you do it right he’ll have to hang it cause if he doesn’t you’ll tell all of your friends what a schmuck he is and then you’ll move to the top of his naughty list and you know what happens to people on Dr. Jack’s naughty list?

First, after you give in and decide that this is a good idea, think about what you’d like to see while you are waiting to find out if that sore spot is a bruise of the first sign that you have been infected with Ebola.

It is Coos Bay and that means nautical scenes, but please something besides the same old images of sailboats sitting on placid waters or tied up in the harbor with a friendly dog waiting patiently for his master to return from the sea.

Enough already that could be bought at Kmart for less than five bucks, wait we don’t have a Kmart any more so skip that and think Wally World. The point is that there are themes which have been done to death and since you are an artist it would be a good thing for you to explore new avenues of expression.

So what do you have that is new and different and still soothing cause you know anyone who is at the mercy of the Croaker is waiting for the death sentence and they know it is coming which is why people sit in a waiting room huddled in a corner not moving or talking and jump when they finally hear their name called.

This is where all of those Currier and Ives themes which you know you’ve been doing but are too ashamed to show could come out to play. Or maybe you want to show your best? Okay what is like Currier and Ives but actually has some thought in it?

You know colorful birds, we have a few around here, make nice waiting room subjects, there are vistas enough for landscapes which would fill the Prado and still need more room, there are sunsets or sunrises, although I have never actually seen a sunrise voluntarily, there are elk and squirrels and beasties of all kinds.

If you want seaside images what about all of those crab pots or floats or buoys that are lining the docks waiting for crab season to be opened?

What about all of the fisher guys?

My post office box is in Charleston and I have seen enough faces etched with hard work, care and the salt to fill any sketch book. I know that they would welcome someone wanting to paint them once they got past the notion that they were being part of an artistic project. Not all that manly you know.

Then there is the Coast Guard. These guys risk their lives going out when any sensible person would be hiding in their bed with the covers pulled up over their heads and they do it because someone else is in trouble. That’s worth an image or two.

There are subjects all around the coast and all you have to do is decide on one. Then you use your craft to turn it into art and give it to your dentists for the holiday.

He might like it so much that he even uses Novocain next time.

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