Sunday, December 8, 2013

Sticking it Out

There it is the moment you have been dreading since this time last year, the moment when you realize that you have one more guest than you have presents for guests or the guest who arrived is the one who never like anything or is the rich uncle you desperately want to stay in good graces with but he already has everything in the whole world and couldn’t possible want or need anything you could afford but if you don’t make him feel special then he’ll cut you out of the will and all f the rest of the family who doesn’t deserve it will get the money you’ve been coveting since you were six and now you’ve screwed up and don’t have anything for Uncle Ebenezer and that will is looking like a long gone dream…

Or this guest is an artist who works in some media you have never heard of an don’t know the first thing about what might be useful of helpful and you don’t want to look like a complete schmuck, what can you do to salvage the thing without breaking the already over-strained budget and there is only so much to go around and if the kids haven’t gotten it all then here are the bill which come due in December anyway and where is the money for that unique and special gift going to come from?

Take a breath.

There are plenty of things which you can do and there is no need to panic. So long as UPS and Amazon are alive and well you can salvage the day and still have a coupla bucks leftover so that you can take the thing, excuse me, make the thing on the sofa with the remote get off of the sofa and take you somewhere nice for New Year’s Eve, which does not involve Duck Dynasty or camouflage.

So where to start?

Paper. That’s right, everyone needs paper. Even a skinflint ole Uncle needs something to compose his poisoned pen notes on so he has to have paper unless he is still using papyrus or lambskin parchment. You know the kids would be incensed at the thought of  a little lamb offering up its life for parchment so maybe it is best even if he does still use it, just don’t mention it to the kids and that will be one less thing for the holiday fights to start about.)

If you aren’t shopping for ole Uncle then it makes things a bit more complex, the paper you want isn’t the stuff you get at Wally world for $6.99 a ream. It is going to have to be a little bit more interesting than that.

Every artist needs paper and it is the one thing that they are least likely to want t shell out for. It’s just paper, I can turn a paper sack inside out cut it with the scissors and have a perfectly good piece of paper, thank you very much.

And you can, but that won’t do much to inspire you to generate new levels of art.

Why not give the artist in your family or on your nice list a selection of several kinds of paper, paper he would never buy for himself?

You could go to Art Connection and throw yourself on their mercy and rather than have their counters stained with your bitter tears they will certainly come up with a bouquet of papers which will fill the bill.

You could go to Freddy’s or even the aforementioned Wally World and run your hand over the papers and find some that even you haven’t tried. I use watercolor paper in my inkjet printer for special effects when just any print won't do. 

No fair buying for yourself until after the will is read and you get your cut, for now you are doing this for the best of reasons and in the finest holiday spirit.

You think paper is like getting socks? The worst thing which can happen in all of life next to being a diner guest of Vlad the Impaler or Bruce the shark? (You never knew that the shark in Jaws had a first name, didja?) Okay so let’s try something different.

Gaffer’s tape. Now a gaffer is the chief electrician on a film or television set and they have to make all sorts of things work and not move and stay out of the way of actor who may be running fro their lives from Godzilla or Bruce the shark and they can’t afford to let one of the silly buggars fall and have all of the production shut down while the lawyers screw everyone out of everything or worse yet kill or cripple the Talent which is a silly thing to cal someone who can barely chew gum and walk at the same time but they have a cute face so they are the Talent and everyone else is chopped liver.

That is why gaffers need something to work all of their magic with and it is gaffer’s tape, funny you should mention it. Now you might think it is duct tape and you’d be wrong cause duct tape useful as it is and if you really want to see a complete shut down of the country let the duct tape makers go out on strike and see how long it takes for everything to come to a complete halt! Is still duct tape and it leaves behind a sticky residue and that is not what you want on things that you are going to use for something else later in the day so gaffers came up with their own tape and it is a lot like duct tape but it doesn’t leave behind anything to mark it being there.

And you can get it at Amazon, Staples or Wally World and I have included the links so if you need to do it you can just click and be done.

Okay so I threw in Home Depot just in case you live never one and don't want to buy a whole carton like you would at Staples.

Now how’s that for a start on fixing the critical present shortage?

Come back this week we are going to talk about how to give a gift which will blow your skirt up and still not leave you lining up at the food bank. Here’s a hint it is for the guys on your really, really nice list.

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