Monday, September 2, 2013

High Pockets

Okay so I finally understand what women go through with the whole purse thingy. Since they reorganized my plumbing I haven’t been able to wear pants cause the belt would cut off the flow from my drain and that would cause a backup which would result in the end of civilization as we know it or at least a Careflight to Seattle.

Now guys, let me tell you there is nothing at all overrated about wearing pants. Not wearing The Pants but just pants. If you don’t have pants you have no pockets and then you have to figure out how you are going to manage all the crappola you carry around without thinking about it.

Yes, there are probably things which you do carry around and you don’t really need but hen there is always that one time when you do need it and it isn’t there and then you feel like a complete idiot cause you didn’t put it in your pocket. Now aren’t you glad you have all those pockets in your pants so that you can carry around all of that crappola and not feel like a complete idiot?

But you see women don’t do that. They don’t carry around all of that crappola cause they don’t always have the pockets they would have if they were wearing pants. They don’t do it cause we have made them feel that the way they look is a lot more important than they way they can do stuff and so they actually try to please us by looking good all of the time and that is hard to do if your pants pockets are bulging out like a hamster with a fresh cheek full of sunflower seeds.

And besides would you prefer that women felt about their appearance the same way guys do? No of course not cause the average guy never really looks at a mirror except to shave. They even go by the draft method to check if their jeans are zipped. No Blue Norther, you’re okay to go out. Take a look around you when you go to the store, I know most of those guys would never leave the house if they looked in a mirror. And shorts with socks and sandals should be Capitol Offense in all fifty states.

So for the sake of all people with eyes it is a good thing that women do not go around with their pockets bulging and their clothing looking like they just raided a Salvation Army donation box.

But it doesn’t mean that they can’t carry around all of the crappola that men do or they have to carry around a purse they size of Donald Trump’s ego and that can be a hassle when you try to get through doors or board an airplane cause God knows all of the nice female lady type people are secretly agents of a foreign power and are just waiting for their opportunity to smuggle something bad on board an airplane which they are going to be on. Com’on, women are just too smart to be suicide bombers and anyone over the age of five or six brave enough to stick their hand into a woman’s purse in anything less than a life or death situation shouldn’t be doing airport security, they should be on the frontlines cause an IED is nothing compared to the dangers lurking inside the average purse.

So it is clear that female lady type people have to be unfashionable or they have to carry a purse cause in these times of equal opportunity they have the right to carry around as much useless crappola as any man, right?

Which brings me back to the problem with not being able to have pockets to carry around crappola and not wanting to risk gender misinterpretation by carrying a purse I didn’t have a business card on me when we stopped at the Butterfly Pavilion on the way back from Eugene Friday.

There just is no, well not having pants and not carrying a purse is almost an excuse, but aside from that there is no earthly reason for you not to have a business card on you.

You can buy the Avery forms and print out a business card in under ten minutes and they are every bit as good as the ones we used to buy from the office supply store for thirty-five bucks a thousand and then wait for two weeks or at least ten days for them to come back from the printer where if we were luck they got all of the information in the right place.

When I was a kid back in ole Gravel Pit, there was a guy who had a bit more family money than most and he had cards made up for Count Clarkula and I almost died of business card envy. Now the fortunes of my household were a bit closer to the bone and the thought of buying anything so silly would have earned me a smack to the back of the head, (The flat spot didn’t heal until I was well past forty but I was a slow learner), and there would be no further mention of the subject. Yeah, times were hard, no lawyers on retainer for small children.

But now with a computer in every home and the software and the forms available for less than that cuppa Starbucks, there just is no excuse. And truth be told you should have a different card for every type of business you do, painting, sculpting, carving, mud wrestling and sky diving. They are cheap, easy to carry and you cannot know just how much good they do you for such a small investment.

Think homemade cards are tacky, fine; get Vistaprint or Staples to do the job. Vistaprint still does two hundred and fifty cards for ten dollars and that kiddies is a real bargain. Right now they have a deal on for magnetic business cards, you know the ones you slap on the fridge and forget until the kid flushes the stuffed camel you won at the Coos County fair a few weeks ago and the plumbing clogs up for the whole street and the Long Sufferin’ is standing there with The Look and you know that if you can’t get a plumber to come out in the next fifteen minutes being held hostage by the Taliban is sounding better and better. So why not get in on the action? The fridge is big. It can hold more than one card and there is no reason why yours shouldn’t be on it so why aren’t you on the Net right now ordering some of those nifty, neat and cool fridge magnets? Six forty-nine that’s cheap and just about what you pay for that cuppa in the morning so bring one cup from home and get the magnets.

Me, I have my jeans back and my pockets full and no one cares whether they bulge or not cause I am a guy and old and that means no one looks anymore so I can carry all of the crappola I want and no one notices. Do these refrigerator magnets make me look fat?

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