The Dark Side

Why is measuring for a frame so complicated?

The Long Suffering went back to school at thirty-five and we did a lot of homework, she did the math and I did the literature and English. So maybe the answer is I should make her do the frame measuring. But that won’t work; the Long Suffering has veto power and just won’t do anything which makes a person weep, wail and kick their feet.

Okay, as nearly as I understand it, you have to allow a quarter inch on each dimension so that the print, painting, collage, poster, or etching won’t fall through the mat. This actually is one eighth of an inch on each side for a total of one quarter inch. So if for instance you have an eleven by fourteen print and want a two inch mat you order a 10 & ¾ by 13 & ¾ mat with an outside dimension of 12 & ¾’s by 15 & ¾’s or a frame which will only fit that picture.

I’d really prefer to make it 16 X 20 and have done with it and you cannot tell me that with a computer lurking on every desk there isn’t a conversion program which can take the outside dimension of 16 x 20 and figure out what the correct inside cut out should be.

Yes, I did know that, there are clever and talented folks, some even local who will do the math for you and come up with the correct measurements, but why is so hard that only those gifted with higher math skills can do this amazing calculation?

Okay, I guess making something out of nothing is an amazing skill and that is essentially what any artist does, but then to properly present your image you have to have it framed.

Now here’s the big problem, I know that the gifted and talented people who have those amazing math skills, some even local, have to make a living and they most certainly deserve to get paid for using those skills cause I don’t have them and if they didn’t all of my prints would be pasted to bare walls with Elmer’s Glue.

But I have to admit that my sales haven’t been as good as I would like and the cash flow has sort of tapered off to a molasses-like treacle and so the more I can do with less the better it is for me and mine and besides the Long suffering keeps a pretty sharp eye on the books and would notice an unauthorized expenditure for mats and frames every month, in spite of the clear fact that I need them and why is she in cahoots with the IRS which says I can’t claim hobby expenses on my tax return, when it wouldn’t be a hobby if I could only find the money for more frames so that I could get a lot more of my stock out of the computer and onto the streets where the unsuspecting and unwary could buy it and increase my cash flow and make this expensive hobby into a full-time job.

So, figuring out the math of mat ordering would go a little bit of the way to evening out my balance sheet, but I’d rather spend a day inside the guts of a broken computer than do a single sudoku.

Yes, I know there are people who do Sudokus for fun and I hate them and hope they all break their number 2 pencils and develop eye-strain from squinting at those little boxes with numbers which do not relate to each other in any sort of logical way.

But all of that is beside the point they know the secret of math and I do not and so I’m stuck using all of the tools I can find on the Net trying to figure out how to get my mats and frames to fit together and come in a standard size.

This would be a lot easier if I could live with what seems to be the industry standard two inches, but I think that looks cheap and too skinny. No, I want a three or a five inch mat and that is where the numbers start to circle around my head like the old cartoons when the guy runs into a wall or gets hit with a hammer and sees birdies?

Tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth I’d rather run into a wall or get hit with a hammer. Then I wouldn’t be able to recognize how helpless I am when it comes to three dimensional concepts.


So instead of enjoying my weekend I’ve had out the slide rule and the yardstick, lots of sticky notes and the tape measure and I’ve run through at least a ream of paper scribbling my calculations and I still don’t have a clue if I got it right!

The good news, and yes there is good news, the Long Suffering, after watching me sweat and strain and pour steam out of my ears ponied up and told me to order enough to get our stuff fixed up for the next few months and so I did.

Now I wait with flop-sweats running down my yellow-stripped back waiting for the frames to arrive so I can see if I did all of the calculations correctly and got something which when assembled will actually hold the images I want to put in it.

I am officially a wreck.

But for those of you who understand the dark-side, math and all the other dark arts like grammar and spelling, revel in your sinful knowledge for the rest of us can only stare and swear.