Blinded by the Light

 Okay, show of hands please, how many of you hate your camera's flash?

Yes, except for that guy in the back with the photo vest and the tripod lashed across his shoulders, we all hate the flash on our cameras. No, there are no exceptions, every one of them from the simplest Point'n'Shoot to the DSLR with the price tag like the next stimulus package, we all hate the flash that comes with our cameras.

And I'll make another bet with you, even those of you who shelled out the bucks for an off-camera flash hate it, absolutely hate it.

And why not, when you try to get a picture in close it's too bright and when you step back it's too dark and you're left standing there with your hands yanking out tufts of hair and the bride, (If you are unlucky) screaming you've ruined her wedding or (If you're lucky) watching the red-tailed hawk which you've been trying to get a shot of for the last three years, (for me it's a great blue heron that lives in Charleston and only comes out when I am fifteen minutes late for a doctor's appointment have don't have anything like a camera anywhere near and I could just scream), fly gracefully away while you weep bitter tears. There are variations on this stuff, the kid does a wonder thing or the cat plays chess on the computer or the wife wins the garden club prize for her begonia, but the result is the same, you didn't get the picture and you are rat pooh.

Oh yeah and then there's the endless yanking of your chain by every rube with a Polaroid moldering away in the attic where it hasn't been touched since film was actually made for it or when Ike was in office and of course all of these guys know every trick in the flash book and have never missed a shot and will soon be publishing a self-help book on their very own flash secrets.

And you know what you do, you tape the flash down so that it won't shoot and never again take a picture except when it is bright and sunny or when there are flood lights so hot you lose fifteen pounds standing in their glare for two and a half minutes. You take that flash you paid extra, homogeneous dollars for, (The manufacturers know all about you and they see you coming and they price the off-camera flash units according to your frustration level, simple no better than the pop-up on the camera for twenty bucks, the better, but so loaded with dials and gizmos that you can't get two shots in a row in less than half an hour for fifty bucks and the amazing dollar destroying unit for a hundred dollars which has more computer power than the first Mercury launch, and all of the bells and whistles cause now they can get the whole room full of computers on the back of a two inch square flash), and with a deep breath throw it with all of your might into the nearest drawer or closet never to be seen again.

Yeah, there isn't anything more evil than a camera flash which isn't elected to Congress.

And for those of you who are still dewy-eyed and wet behind the ears, this is a VAST improvement over the old Thristor models of the way-back when I started shooting. Back then you did actually have to have an advanced degree in math to do the calculations to come up with the setting for the flash, which wouldn't be any better than the way things are now except instead of letting the computer on the flash make all of the mistakes for you, you had to do the work and still get it wrong.

So how do we find a detente where we can live and work with a flash without spending the next ten years and half a hundred thousand dollars in therapy

First do what I have repeatedly asked you to do and get a real, honest-to-God camera with controls and menus and adjustments so that when something goes really wrong with your pictures you can fix it.

And there is no better time than right now. I'm sure you have noticed there is a Pandemic going on and that makes any kind of transaction more complicated than bigamy with five wives. No one is selling much and there are even fewer buyers and that kids is a very good thing for you cause you can leap in and get a real bargin.

There are three DSLR cameras, older models to be sure but right now you can put on in your hands for less than a hundred and fifty dollars. Now, c'mon the nasty little Point'n'Shoot you got last Christmas and still don't use cause you have a camera in your phone, which isn't worth diddly, but you love it cause you have it with you all of the time and it is so easy and you don't have to learn or think and that is what you worked so hard to grow up for so you wouldn't have to learn anything any more.

These three cameras, all DSLRs with all of the good stuff and you can get them for, under one hundred and fifty dollars! The Pentax K-x a 12.4 megapixel and my personal favorite for $100. A Canon 1Ti for $100 and Nikon D90 for around $100,(Although some go for around $150 but that's the price you pay for a Nikon)

The Canon 1Ti is a fifteen megapixel camera and the Nikon like the Pentax is a 12.3 megapixel camera. But all of these will do more than you can and they will do it for a lot longer and they can improve as you learn how to use them.

And one of the things which they can do—is adjust the flash power!

Oh yes, they can actually reduce the bang when you fire that flash and save the eyeballs of your victim, subject from being fried.

The Pentax K-x is the easiest. On the Mode dial, the wheel on the back of your camera, look for the little lightning bolt at the bottom. This is the key to take you to the flash adjust, and once you are there you can select all sorts of things, but one of them is the intensity of the flash.

Now this is a subjective choice, but I think most units can be powered down by at least a half. Try it and if it seems too dark you can always power it back up. The folks in front of the flash will thank you for it.

The self-timer is almost as easy. Look for the clock at the top of the Mode wheel and there it is. Not much to do once you get in, Pentax only gives you 12 seconds and 2, but 12 is long enough to trip the shutter and get around and back into the frame. I can't think of what you would do with 2 seconds but I'm sure there is a reason.

Canon makes all of this a bit more challenging. (Got to justify the price), but if you look you can find it. It is hidden in the menus so you have to press the menu button and then go to the second yellow wrench and click. At the bottom of this menu there is a Flash Control, click it. On the next menu click on the Built-in flash func. setting and finally on the Flash exp. Comp menu where you will see a line graph with plus or minus values and set your cursor at minus one.

The self-timer is simplicity itself. On the Mode dial there is a clock and that is the entry point for the self-timer. Once you are in there is only one slight bump, the setting you want is the one which says remote use. I know you aren't but it is so play along.

And finally, the High-priced Spread, the Nikon. Find the custom setting menu and near the bottom of the list is Bracketing/flash. The second item on the e menu, oddly enough e2 Flash cntrl for built-in flash, Manual, on the next menu select the strangely reasonable ¼ setting. You may need to adjust this but it is a good starting point.

And while you are here anyway take a look at the c menu timers/AE lock and on the third c item self-timer you'll find the setting for the little devil.

So there you have it the deeply mysterious secret of how to reduce the flash on your real camera so that you don't take pictures looking like an illegitimate offspring of a Driver's License and a Mug Shot. And you can set the self-timer and get into the frame yourself and have a picture that you are proud of a not something that even an eighties Polaroid would be ashamed of and have a selfie that makes all of those phone shots look like they came out of a photo booth at the Adult Toy store where the little old men in the rain coats lurk

And this is just one of the reasons why you owe it to yourself to get a real camera. A good DSLR will grow with you as you learn and use more of its features and when you are trying desperately to get that once in a lifetime shot you will have enough camera to do it.

So set aside your fears and embrace the flash and learn to love and adore it and carry it with you on that good camera and even in the Time of Plague you will have learned something new and have a sense of pride and accomplishment.